I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If that was your dad, he is hot
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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