Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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