im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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