she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
