Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
