I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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