you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this hospital has no fireball
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
