i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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