My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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