3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
