we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
