9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
