if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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