I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
