I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
