my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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