just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Drunk is not a location!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
