is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
