How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
