But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So much Jack, so little girl.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
