I'm going to jail i love you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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