Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
