He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
