Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
