matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
