Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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