it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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