how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
