I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize