im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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