You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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