after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
