I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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