I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
