can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
