Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
