Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
