the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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