I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize