Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
