His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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