why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
there is glitter all over my balls
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
