dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
