somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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