morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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