you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You are the jesus of drinking
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize