I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
