There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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