On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize