Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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