Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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