I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
