Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
