I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Randomize
