dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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